Wellness Wednesday – Why Is The Search So Hard?


Each generation has similar complaints when it comes to dating and relationships – the main question usually is, Why is it so hard to find someone?”  Where are the men and women of quality?  How exactly can we weed through this mass of nonsense?  The endless text/pen pals, the barrage of married people lying about their situations, then want you to just be understanding and wait for them, to people who seem to be floating around from situation to situation waiting for something to happen to them.  Some blame technology, but what about 100 years ago when they barely had telephones?  They encountered the same issues – even 1000 years ago.  The only difference between then and now is in some cases now women are considered almost a person and not really property.

We often hear how we can meet someone anywhere; a cafe, supermarket, bookstore, on the train – while it is somewhat still true, it may not happen to most of us.  If you are single with no children, you may have time to go out with friends but between work and trying to live, an evening with Netflix and wine tends to be more appealing than getting dressed and heading to a bar or club.  Even if those venues aren’t your thing, after working 40+ hours a week, most don’t want to do anything but relax – and who can blame them?  They may be living in the prime of their lives but are too stressed to enjoy it.  What about single parents?  It’s hard for single mother’s to get back out there.  A lot of them live in neighborhoods with families because their kids are enrolled in school.  Most activities they are involved in revolve around their children as well, so other adults they encounter are already taken or married.  The days of being free and single are long gone.  The chances that these women will bump into Mr. Right at her local grocery store are slim to none.  They will however run into a lot of Mr. Wrongs, not even a Mr. Right Now.  A lot turn to the modern convenience of online dating.

I feel like online dating is turning into an old fable.  We always hear about that one woman we know who met a great guy on some site, and they’re now married.  We then feel inspired to try our best, plunk down a lot of cash (seriously, some of those sites are unnecessarily expensive), and write a great profile in hopes of snagging our catch.  After a few days or weeks we then realize that either that story we heard about finding success was bogus or the woman and man never existed to begin with.  There is a common problem with online dating, regardless of which service you use though – the amount of married people who pretend to be single.  They are on every service, even religious and ones geared toward finding someone to marry versus simply date.  The sad reality is most of the people on there, if they aren’t already nuts, they are either married or are with someone else.  You would think the creation of Ashley Madison would filter out those types of people, but sadly it doesn’t.  The services themselves don’t work to filter those people out either.

So believe me when I tell you, it really isn’t you – it’s them.

 I think there are some great people you can meet online, but the reality is, you will have to play part time detective.  That doesn’t include stalking their Facebook, but knowing which questions to ask and sticking to your guns! Anyone with nothing to hide will be honest about their life.  This doesn’t mean they have to tell you their entire life story, but if they aren’t being honest, move on.  If they have kids, they will talk about it, if they’re divorced they will be honest about it.  I also think it’s perfectly okay to ask to see a divorce agreement if the dating starts to lead to a relationship.  Some may think that is over the top, but you can never be too careful.  There is no reason to waste your time because that is something you can never get back.  If something secretive or shady is going on, you will know almost right away.

A lot like to think that women in our modern times are more “free” more “liberated” due to how women are acting on TV, out in the world, and on social media.  I still think women are no better off than even 50-100 years ago.  Yes, more women are now educated and have access to a job and are able to vote but at what cost?  We fight so hard but then are told we aren’t equal, we aren’t good enough mothers, we aren’t good enough women because of how we choose to dress or not dress, which school we went to, which path we choose in life – the list really is endless.  We may be able to live but are still being forced into boxes.  The other issues are being sexually harassed by men on the street or worse in our jobs, our home, our churches, et cetera.  The sexism we have to deal with on a daily basis will end when we all decide to step out and say no.  No to those who say we aren’t enough and no to those who say we are too much!  You can be whatever woman you decide to be, and shouldn’t let anyone dictate your life.

There are people out there that will respect you, your accomplishments, your name, and your being.  Those are the ones worth waiting for.  They will not tell you to change or be embarrassed by you and will proudly stand beside you regardless of the storm.  The important part is your part; finding your worth, knowing you are worth more than some idiot soliciting sex from you in a bar or through an online service.  Will you meet this worthy person online?  It’s not impossible.  How about out in the real world?  That’s possible as well.  A positive opportunity will present itself when we least expect it because that’s the point we are focused on something else.  Let’s be honest though, the process is exhausting.  It really is hard to find good people anymore regardless of where you live or which avenue you choose in finding new people – but it is not hopeless.  I do believe that every pot has a lid.  I do believe that there is someone out there for each of us, and you will come together.  Stay open and optimistic, and continue to love yourself.

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