We often watch movies with a romantic theme where two people meet and somehow fall madly in love through a series of events that in the real world would be impossible. There are cable channels devoted to this script formula. What about in the real world? Where exactly does one take their list of attributes and plug in another human being?
It’s getting cooler outside and the seasons are finally changing. This evokes in some a feeling to seek out that preferred mate. The thought of cool nights inspire the want of cuddling with someone, and eventually spending the holidays with that person. All the cute things blasted all over social media about apple picking, pumpkin carving, stuffing our faces with butter laden desserts – it’s always better to share it with someone else. By now, those lists of who that other person should be gets dusted off if Summer has not provided a suitable seat filler. Some may have a white board dedicated to this (maybe hidden in their closet) or it’s laminated in their purse for emergency checking if the second date is going exceedingly well and we want to make sure this person is worth a third date. While some traits are important to seek out in another person, when are these lists getting to the point of unicorn status, settling, or a compromise?
Let’s be honest with ourselves when it comes to the: Why am I unable to find my unicorn?
We all have our favorite shows on TV, or online, favorite books, magazines, hobbies – you name it. We are all magically unique and made of so many flavors that we sometimes feel there isn’t another person out there that can mesh well with us. We make lists whether mental or physical about ourselves then that list turns into a projection of what the other person has to be and has to value. Disappointment usually follows this formula and sometimes that disappointment can turn into lowering our standards, cutting our list down or not valuing ourselves enough to where we feel the need to settle in an effort to have someone – anyone – around. Even the most solitary of humans still need that emotional contact in the form of another person. We are not meant to be alone – but we should not settle for the bottom of the barrel to fulfill those needs.
Put your hobbies aside and write down the things you value. Yes, you can value your hobbies, but in the bigger picture, your ability to crochet and competence on Etsy is not the hinge on which you should base a healthy and solid relationship (or marriage, if that’s your choice). Values come in the form of the things that are important in your life; education, family, faith, religion, human rights, are some solid things of value to contemplate and formulate how they will figure into your life now and in the future. Just for reference, all I listed do not have to be in the traditional sense. This is why it is important to figure out where you stand and have confidence in your views so you can communicate this better with a potential mate. When you know your worth and respect yourself and your choices you will find success with another person.
Where does compromise fit into all of this?
Compromise is born from a mutual respect and care for each other. It is not created through forms of manipulation or abuse. (If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship get out & get help!) It is important to remember that a healthy relationship is not 50/50 – or any other variation of where only part of yourself is needed to keep things running smoothly. There should be 100 percent given by both parties so that when the rough times hit, you both can whether the storm and grow together. I’ve always said it is important to live your own life together. It is important to enjoy the things you like and have time to enjoy them, just the same as it is important to let your partner enjoy the things that make them happy. Having sufficient alone time does help you recharge as well as spending that quality time with your loved one. This is where compromise comes into play. It’s giving your partner the freedom to comfortably be themselves. The truth is, outside of cloning ourselves there will never be an identical match. It’s beneficial to find someone you are comfortable with, respect, love, can talk to, and can grow with. That mixture of maturity and compromise can yield a long lasting relationship.
So what if you think they are too fat, too thin, too short, don’t make enough money, don’t whatever the case may be. Why not give someone new a chance? You may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome. It would be giving yourself a chance at happiness.
You absolutely deserve that!
When going through your list, stop hoping all the superficial things get checked off first and look for the value in the other person before you. They may be what you have been searching for all along.