There comes a time in all of our relationships, whether it’s friendships to the most serious of relationships, and sometimes family, where we have the thought of if we are on the same page, or we are ready to start on a new course. We often look for clues and suggestions from the other person because that fear of rejection can be overwhelming. Sometimes we need to step out on the limb and ask the pertinent question: Are we really at the same point?
This is the time of year we all make lists of the scariest movies we can find to watch and enjoy that rush of imagined fear. Usually there is some woman being chased by a monster, creature, or a man wielding a weapon, she’s screaming for help and no one manages to help her in time. It’s all well and good because these movies are fiction, and we are able to come back to reality after hitting the stop button. What about the real life monsters? The ones that are actually chasing our women and girls down streets, drugging them at parties and bars for a quick score, or shaming them into getting what they want? Those monsters cross gender lines too. Men aren’t always the “Big Bad Wolf” in life. It’s getting to the point that women can’t walk down the street during the day without worry of being followed or attacked. Let’s not forget the endless catcalling that gets aggressive the more you try and ignore it. I’m not sure No means no anymore, and that is very scary.
What does this mean for you? What does it mean on the larger scale?
There is a lot of truth in the mentality and statement of, “safety in numbers.” That crosses literally, and figuratively lines. Literally, if you are going out with a group of friends, stick together. Either wear something that is easily identifiable across a crowded room, create a code word within your group for sticky situations, or make a game plan for the evening. Make sure the right numbers are programmed in your phone, and take advantage of how much you check in at places or take pictures in different locations. Your friend meet a stranger at the bar/club/party/whatever and it looks like they are going home with them? Get a picture of the stranger, take down any info about them or snap a pic of their license plate. Social media is sometimes more successful in getting justice than the traditional route. The amount of women that go missing every day is staggering. What if you notice something suspicious? Would you interject yourself into things to possibly prevent a crime? I know a lot of people might not due to the likely hood they may experience danger themselves, or they flat out say, “it’s not my business.” I say, what if that was your sister/mother/aunt/loved one? If you really aren’t comfortable, call the cops. You could be preventing that person from being raped, abducted, beaten – anything.
Why bring this up?
This weekend I’m sure a lot of you will be at parties dressed in your best costumes having a great time with your friends and loved ones. I’m sure there will be a number of invented cocktails, punch, and tasty snacks set on tables with dry ice overflowing everywhere. Always ask what is in the food and drink where you go. If they can’t remember or tell you, skip it. Let’s work together to have a safe and satisfying Halloween weekend! ❤
Don’t drink & drive!
What really is the best way to deal with disappointment? Over eating? Over drinking? Obsessing on Facebook? I’m not really sure the answer to this myself because depending on the situation and how grave the said disappointment, you may want to do all that I’ve already mentioned – if not more, right?
My recent excursion down the trail of disappointment of course deals with my love life. I called a good friend of mine earlier to vent a bit about the past month and to talk shop about moving forward and realistic expectations for the coming month. I may be down for a bit but I refuse to stay down. Giving others power over you is dangerous and worthless. This past month I have dealt with a lot of issues from past relationships and potential new ones that I have been trying to change within myself as well. I made a deal with myself a year ago to change my behavior and some of my ways and try to date new and different kinds of people because what I was doing before wasn’t working. I ended up alone more often than I cared to be. I decided to open myself up to new kinds of men; men who before I would never consider dating because I would consider them too heavy a risk. Yes, I look at dating in the form of accounting – whether he is an asset or a liability. It’s just who I am. In the beginning of the relationship things went okay. I let go of some things and proceeded with caution. You only live once, may as well take a risk and find out.
Time went by and I ended up in a new relationship. Things were okay for a while until reality set in and my previous checks & balances that would have told me to not bother with this guy were coming up like red flags in a bad soccer match. My gut/intuition/whatever you want to call it kept telling me to end things and move on, no matter how hard it may be. How can you go one minute wondering if this is the kind of compromise they talk about when moving forward to getting married? I also contemplated that was it my own fears holding me back from moving forward too? Sadly, those red flags were turning quite serious and I knew it was time to go.
Fast forward to dating others more recently, still trying to be optimistic, hoping that if I try something different, maybe that will lead me to someone I am able to feel safe with. Nothing has stuck yet and the old temptations to previous encounters swing in and out as if being offered a warm bowl of ice cream. It’s tempting but easy to resist. I wouldn’t say I was lowering my standards. It was more not being as picky as I can be. My philosophy is to wait for that right one, not waste years of my life tied to the wrong one. What I realized after chatting with my friend earlier is that I am okay being single. My life is filled with a lot of great people and adventures that maybe, right now this is all I need.
It’s important not to be envious of others. What some have, they may have had to sacrifice everything for a moment of fleeting happiness. I do believe that a strong marriage is more important than just being someone’s wife. I also believe that a good marriage can exist, even in our modern time. I just know that it’s not my time yet. If or when that time comes I will be ready, but I am content to wait. I know me of 5 years ago would have thought the me now is crazy for even thinking that but wisdom comes with age. There are more important things in life than the selfishness of others in bad relationships, or pride for that matter.
As far as I know, for me, if I don’t feel that he is the right fit, I will politely say, “no thank you,” and patiently wait my turn. I deserve that.
I want to first start by saying that there are still some amazing people out there and maintaining a positive, optimistic attitude is more powerful than the alternative. We live in an age where it is easy to meet new people every second of each day. It is easy to get connected for free on a lot of platforms without having to spend a dime. Social media has made it convenient to stay connected with people from around the world, not just those in your area. This is fantastic to a fault. I have noticed that this fault is more than simply overlooking the fact that your partner snores when they sleep. These faults are starting to add up to something more serious that is chipping away at the sanity and emotions of some.
I chose the cheezy title on purpose. Those are some of my favorite lines from books, TV movies and print ads. Why I say washed ashore because I’ve been asking around to those who I know are knee deep in the dating game about the topic of taking a vacation with the person you are dating or in a relationship with. How soon is too soon? What if you meet your significant other while on vacation, does that change the course of the relationship?
When I was younger, I always had these time limits for everything. I felt that things had to occur in a matter of time before it was acceptable to do something else. Now that I’m older, I’ve adapted a new mentality when it comes to dating especially. There is a time and place for everything, but the time and place change from person to person. Sometimes you have to give them time to feel comfortable enough to want to move forward or they have to feel comfortable enough to ask you out. I have met couples who met, date and got married in under a year, others it takes them years to even consider the possibility of wanting to date casually. When it comes to traveling, this is somewhat unknown territory. I know some feel that when you travel with someone else, that implies you two are in a very serious and committed relationship and some who feel that their travel buddy is just that, a travel buddy. It can be nice to have that companionship and can come in handy when dealing with luggage.
I have gone on vacation with a boyfriend before and it showed me who the person really was and helped me in deciding if I really wanted to move forward with them or not – usually things went well on vacation but the relationship didn’t last past the trip. My Mom gave some good advice when I was younger in picking a mate. She advised me to watch how the other person behaves during stressful situations, their jealousy, when and how they get angry, and their relationship with their family, specifically their own Mother. These will give you great insight on how the other person will treat you, your relationship and how your future will be.
I say, start slow – do local, over night trips and build toward something bigger. Sometimes a stay-cation (spending time alone at home) is more telling than traveling hundreds of miles to find out how things really are between you. Let love rule so that when the bad times strike, you won’t lose your footing.